Picking Your Battles: 6 Questions to Ask
You’re in a meeting with a boss or your client, and it happens.
They present an idea or a plan, and your inner monologue says “WHAT? No way. No, no, no. We can’t do it that way.”
Disagreements and debates are inevitable, even healthy and progressive. But you can’t always be fighting upstream, so it’s important to choose your battles and focus your energy where it matters most. Here are six questions to ask yourself and help determine if today’s battle is one worth waging.
1. Is the investment required to make this argument worth the outcome?
Negotiating, making a case, and taking an alternative stance can require a significant time investment. Especially if your point of view or proposal requires many other people to change their way of thinking, you can be looking at several discussions over a significant period of time in order to make progress. And progress might come slowly, in small steps, even backwards ones along the way.
And never forget that debate is an intensely human thing. If you’re not careful about your approach, you can alienate people, hurt feelings, or cast yourself as the perpetual contrarian with a negative attitude. Learn to disagree constructively.
2. Is my disagreement fundamental or superficial?
Sometimes when we’re passionate about something, we can get swept up in the details and semantics, and argue against those instead of what’s really at issue. Take a moment to breathe, and decide whether you’re resisting a subtlety of approach or detail, or whether you’re really looking for an alternative to the root issue for a significant reason. The latter might be worth your time. The former probably isn’t.
3. Can I back up my argument with a solution?
If you’re disagreeing with how something is being approached, you need to to be able to offer a viable alternative. It’s not useful or helpful to just dislike or point out all the reasons why something won’t work. Instead, you need to be able to articulate and illustrate how a different approach might be more effective or efficient or simply more attractive for whatever reason. If you can’t offer an alternative, or aren’t willing to work to find one, you’re just stirring up trouble.
4. Is the opposite outcome detrimental to my work, or just an inconvenience or irritation?
Stop for a moment and honestly consider what might happen if you’re overruled. Will this get squarely in the way of progress for you? Does it go against the law, your morals or your ethics? Or is it something you can work around, even if it’s a bit of a bitter pill? Framing things in terms of the unattractive option will sometimes help you understand whether or not you really need to fight, or whether you can just let it go.
5. Is there a middle ground I can live with?
Compromise matters a lot. Few issues are truly black and white, so think about where the grey areas are for you. Take your ideal scenario, and move toward the opposite a step or two. Is that livable? Which elements and ideals are negotiable, and which ones are core to your beliefs, goals, or ability to meet expectations.
6. Will I care about this six months from now?
Resist getting swept up in the moment and losing perspective about how this issue fits into the proverbial big picture. Is this a temporary annoyance or obstacle? Will you care in a month? Six months? A year? What’s the residual impact of either approach or middle-of-the-road alternatives, and can you live with that?
Sometimes, resistance is Borgishly futile. Sometimes it’s just plain unnecessary. Other times, presenting alternatives, pushing for change or compromise is a good thing, or even an essential one.
But perpetual contrarians rarely retain credibility over time. Pick your battles carefully, and you might just win the next one that really, truly matters to you.
image by Paul J Everett
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Our jobs, whatever they are, about accomplishing goals on behalf of our organizations. It’s so easy to lose sight of where our personal investment ends and our professional obligation begins. We have to be willing to set aside how we’d prefer to do things in favor of actually getting things done.
And sometimes that means choosing to “lose” a few battles in order to win that war.
Tamsen McMahon´s last blog ..The secret to lasting change
I know I have had to learn this myself, which is probably why I can write on it.
It’s easy to take things personally, especially if you’re passionate about what you do. The key is learning to take a step back once in a while and look at things from a distance instead of the thick. Perspective really is everything. 
Amber,
Really enjoyed your post –
I think a question or comment about progress fits into this equation. I really think that people want to not only think they are making progress but they want to feel that way as well.
Sure, Mike. Something about whether or not you’re insisting on something because it furthers progress? Or that you’re objecting to something because it doesn’t?
Wondering how subjective that is. Is everyone’s idea of progress the same?
Great point – I think that boils down to the groups alignment and or lack thereof with the core values of the organization. Assuming the are in place and agreed upon.
In the case of alignment – check yourself against the values. In the case of lack – check the group against the values.
..and finally 7) Can I win? Great stuff Amber. People want to win.
Ain’t that the truth.
Love this but #6 is #4. LOL See I did read it and love this. It is right in line with something I’m trying 2 accomplish…….
Thanks, Ida! Fixed.
Good points here. I like to think about this as tying into the idea of professional politics. Another point I would add to this is to make sure you understand your position and role in the decision making process. Are you there to simply supply a point of view so others can make an informed decision? If you, have you already made your point (read: done your job)? If you are there to make the decision, have you collected enough/the right info to make an informed decision? A good understanding of your role in the process will make sure these battles don’t have a negative affect on your professional credibility.
Eric´s last blog ..Are you stepping away from failure or towards success?
That’s an interesting take, Eric. I like the idea of evaluating your role in the room or in the process. Though I balance that with not always wanting to conform to the idea of “your job” in a process, but contributing how you best can, even if that’s outside the bounds of what’s originally outlined for you. But I’m a bit of a heretic that way.
I become more impressed with your writing style and content each post. I think there needs to be a maturity level reached before one can truly assess which battles to fight. I guess we have to learn from trial and error but that’s what makes growing so empowering.
David Benjamin´s last blog ..Measuring Your Success as a Sales Professional
Thanks, Dave.
And yep, maturity definitely plays a role here. Petulance really doesn’t have a role in business. And it’s important to not only learn when you screw up and overstep (boy, have I done that), but to understand what approach might work better next time.
Sometimes we win in the short term, but really lose. We lose face, lose a little piece of our conscience, and worse, feel like a lesser person. Restraint of tongue and pen never fails. Silence is not agreement.
Geoff Livingston´s last blog ..Super Bowl Hugs4Holly: The “Other” Halftime Show
Well hello there, stranger.
“Restraint of tongue and pen never fails.” Is that true? What about the times when it’s unethical not to speak up and fight for something? Silence might not be agreement, but it can be tacit endorsement (or at least perceived that way), no?
Sometimes picking battles isn’t just about knowing which ones NOT to fight, but which ones instead to fight with everything you have.
Amber,
Thanks for sharing. Really interesting and helpful perspective. The link to the Brain resource was terrific.
In addition to all that you mentioned here i find that sometimes I have to remember I am there to serve the client. That certainly doesn’t mean always agree but it does affect my attitude and how I disagree. These questions are a great “pause button” opportunity for me.
I am trying to learn to respond rather than react.
Glad you liked it. I happen to love that blog, and Tamsen up there I think was the one to turn me onto it. Some great stuff. I’ve taken a bit of a shine to the whole behavior/motivation/sociology aspect of all this stuff.
You make a good point too, about when it’s not quite your fight to pick. And when to stop, reassess, and figure out whether and what response is best. Thanks for commenting.